Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Nervous.

Today I'm blogging about something that makes me nervous.



But it's easier said than done, because I am--by nature--an extremely high stress person. Even when I'm sitting, chilling with my husband, watching reruns of LOST, or pecking away on laptop lazily...I am still anxious. I don't know why. It's just the way God made me.

The good news is, I'm a very functional stressed out person. Despite being anxious all the time, I still get up, do my job, take care of my kids, spend time with my husband, and have an active social life. So overall...my anxiety doesn't prohibit me much at all. But it's always there. A jiggling knee as I sit. A wedding ring being twisted around my finger. Hair that falls out. A twitching eyelid. I just deal with the nervousness that follows me. It's sort of....part of me, if that makes sense.

But as the end of the school year for my children winds down, my nervousness has kicked into high gear. It always does this time of year. Because we live abroad, we always travel back for 5 weeks in our home state of Washington, USA, and the trip is always extremely stressful, busy, and horribly expensive. I always shed the most hair with my Alopecia during the summer months.

Going home is always nostalgic and wonderful. We see people we care about, eat the foods we're familiar with, go places we've missed. We love our time in America during the summer. But...there is also a side of these trips that rattles me to my core. The side that creates more stress and angst than I wish I had to deal with. There is always unnecessary family drama, and melodrama with my older children's relatives, exhausting money worries, and it is never, ever easy for our family to be apart. (My husband usually stays in South Korea for work.) The kids miss their dad, I miss my best friend, and everyone misses their routine.

This summer will be even more exhausting than usual. My son is leaving for a mission in Chile, which is an extremely special and proud moment for us, but also extremely emotional. In addition to that, I will be attending my father's memorial service, which was held off until July for my sake. I will also need to go through my father's belongings with my two brothers, which will likely be tense and uncomfortable. And though I've given myself permission to excuse myself from anything that pushes me to my emotional capacity this summer, I still know that things will be tough, and that I will be required to deal with lots and lots of stress without the support of my husband. And it will suck. Hard.

Traveling home for the summers makes me nervous. It shouldn't. It should be a time of joy and release, and of relaxation and fun. But it won't be. It never is. I will be pulled in a thousand directions and asked to do absurd things. I will be called names and insulted. I will be told I am inadequate and unfair. I will miss my father, but feel the need to keep it to myself, because some feelings are better kept close to the cuff, where they're safe and not dissected. I will not enjoy my summer home. I rarely do.

But I go. Every year I go.

What makes you nervous?

xoxo
Brooke



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