Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Sometimes, just sometimes...i let my mind wander... I go to that place in my mind that I usually keep locked up tight, and I imagine what it would be like if we'd not lost Bug. She would be five now...

She'd probably have long curly brown hair, maybe halfway down her back by now, because I would refuse to cut it. But she would still have crooked bangs, because much to everyone's disdain, I would still insist on trimming them myself.

She would likely be attending kindergarten here at CI, and would be an absolute handful for her teachers. Partly because of the remnants of her biology, and partly because she's a pill, and just had that kind of personality.

We would likely have bought her a Hanbok, which I would likely have to force her to wear, and then chase her around trying to get a decent picture of it, while she screamed bloody murder.

She would likely be friends with the children of some of my friends, and I would be organizing play dates and after school activities for her. I quietly decided a few weeks ago that I would have put her in gymnastics at CI.

She would probably be our most adventurous child, more likely to try Korean food than any of the others, and always wanting a "nack" in a cup nearby. 

She would be a terrible flier, and our trips would be a slow trek through hell with Bug strapped into an airline seat. Every time we would go somewhere, I would vow it was our last time. But of course, it wouldn't be.

I'm no longer crippled by thoughts like this. They used to lay me out for days. Now they just amuse me, and I indulge them for a few minutes, then tuck them back away in my mind, and lock them up. If I could eradicate them from my mind completely, I would. But since I can't, I manage them carefully, like washing old China. You handle them with kid gloves, rinsing them as gingerly and carefully as possible, so they don't break and make a mess. Or worse yet, cut you. I don't like to be cut.

I'm done for today. But I hope wherever she is, her memories have been eradicated. It would be awfully hard for a five year old to filter through memories and daydreams like this.