Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Blog challenge day 12!

And we've reached day 12.

Today's blog topic is sort of somber.

Day 12 is: someone I miss.

Well, I'm sure my loyal readers already know the answer to this one. I miss my daughter, Liyah. She's been gone from us for almost a year (in August) and while the pain hasn't gone away completely...it's evolved. I no longer ache for her with a pain so deep and guttural that I'm rendered immobile and useless.

It now feels like a dull ache that blows in on a whim when I least expect it. I would imagine that's what it feels like to have lost a limb. Phantom pains on a limb that no longer exists, that come and go with no rhyme or reason. That's what I have now. I'm not sure it ever goes away. I know I haven't had one day in the last year that has gone past without her little face flashing in my mind. Without her cry or her voice being heard in the back of my head, or from across a crowded store or room, even though she's not there.

She's not there, per say, but she's always there.

So anyway...that's someone I miss. I wish I could make my longing go away.

A couple of weeks ago I heard that a man I'd been working with at the school where my day job was...had adopted a two year old. Now he and his wife have five children, which is such a beautiful blessing, and my heart is overflowing with joy for this family. And yet, when I came home from work that day, I sobbed. I sobbed and sobbed for hours because of how desperately I wished it were me. I wished it were my husband and I going to the courthouse to adopt our daughter, instead of them. Our daughter is living in a filthy home, with disgusting people who allow her to be beaten and abused in all sorts of horrific ways, and I simply have to shut up and deal with it.

I can't really explain how awful this feels. I can't really explain how quickly worry can overtake my brain, rendering me useless for a day. I can't tell you how difficult it is to have to close my eyes and literally force thoughts of my daughter out of my mind. To beg God to give me one day of peace without thoughts of her going through my mind. To beg God for opportunities to work hard and stay busy, so that I can continue to move on. Even now, as I'm typing this, I'm crying, because this loss was so devastating, and the worry is so crippling, and the jealousy is so suffocating. I'll get over it. I always do. But.......it always comes back.

Blog challenge day #12 sort of sucked. I miss my daughter.

P.S. Know who else suffered indescribable loss? Candace Chang in Then & Now. Grab your copy today!

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