Thanks for being so kind to me after my last post. I got so many supportive emails from my gorgeous, loyal, sweet, thoughtful readers that it brought me to tears. To say this has been an awful summer would be an understatement. The loss of our daughter has felt like a death, and our foundation was rocked. Hard. My husband and children and I were all crippled by the loss, and I still can't seem to get through a Sunday afternoon without crying. (Why Sunday? Well, I don't know. Honestly, I think it's because that is the one day a week when I slow down enough to actually think about my daughter, or where she is, or what she is experiencing without me protecting her. That seems to be when I get choked up the most.) I can't say that the grief is gone. I'm not sure it will ever be gone, I'm fairly certain that she will be my last thought as I leave this earth of old age some day (where she is, who she is with, is she safe, sick, dead, alive, happy, sad, etc) but it is slightly more tolerable now, and so I'm trying very hard to pick myself back up, brush myself off, and focus on the future. I'm finally seeing some sunshine break through the clouds. Not a lot, but a little....
|Seeing some sunshine. Not a lottle...but a little.|
So where am I at right now? I've decided that I have to keep my focus forward. If I keep looking back, I am never going to recover. I am never going to stop aching all the time. And I am never going to be the kind of wife and mother I want to be. Just because there are people in the world who do the wrong thing, doesn't mean I need to give them power over my life. I can choose to move on. I can choose to be a better person because of it. That's what I'm deciding to do. Instead of rolling over and wailing for the rest of my life (which is what I want to do, believe me) I'm choosing to get up every morning, smile and laugh, take care of my kids, love my husband, and live a full, happy, healthy life. Or die trying. :)
Well, school is back in session, and I am relieved, to say the least. Summers are just plain difficult when you have five children with ages spanning 14 to 5. The teenager wants to be constantly entertained, or better yet, to be hanging out with friends. The 11 year old girl wants to be at the mall with as much money as I am willing to give her, but doesn't want to work for it, nor does she want to behave kindly to get me to drive her there. The 6 year old was pretty easy, set him free in the backyard, and he would imaginary play all by himself from dawn until dusk. I love that kid. His only flaw? He's sort of a pill, and lives to tick off his older siblings. That got old really quick. And the 5 year old? Oy....this poor kid is on the Autism Spectrum, and being out of his daily school routine reeked havoc on his state of mind. He was confused and frustrated much of the time, and he wandered from activity to activity without being able to buckle down and focus on just one. It was odd. He's going back to school next Tuesday, and I think he's as relieved as I am. We also got a new placement this summer, around the time our daughter left us. She is almost 3 months old now, and sweet as a bug, but is only a temporary placement. She will likely join her aunt in the coming weeks, and though it will be hard, we are happy to see her going to a steady, responsible, safe home. This is a good thing. It's too bad not all foster relative placements are that reliable.....ahem. That's all I'll say about that.
|Spent a week with my nerd and kids on Whidbey Island. Best. Vacation. Ever.|
Now that my kids are back in school, I am trying to get back into writing. With four children in school full time, and the infant leaving soon, I will be able to actually "work" all day. What a novel concept. Pun intended. I am really looking forward to finishing Candace's story (This & That Series, book 3) but I'm easing back into it slowly. As most of you know--if you've read Marisol's story, Apples & Oranges, you know that Candace's story will be a tough one, and will deal with a lot of raw emotion. And since right now in my own life I have a lot of my own raw emotion, I am finding that penning Candace's story is taking more out of me that I have to give. Don't worry, it will come--just not right away. In the meantime, I am working on a Young Adult with magical elements that I've been pondering for a year or so. It seemed like the right time to tackle something completely unrelated. And so far, so good.
|This epitomizes my outlook these days.|
I'm also focusing on getting ready to go to the Emerald City Writer's Conference in October. I go pretty regularly, but wasn't able to attend last year, so I am especially excited to be returning this year. I'm riding to the conference with a great friend and fellow writer, Jess McCallan, who is also a foster parent. It will be nice to drive for 5 hours with someone who will listen to my woes and actually understand them. I was hoping to hang with one of my good friends and fabulous editor, Meggan Connors, too, but she will be skipping the conference this year. Big bummer. She's a kick in the pants. Maybe next year. Don't get me wrong, though, I'm super psyched to spend a weekend in a hotel room ALONE, and to spend hours walking around IKEA. Good Lord, I'm almost more excited about IKEA than the stupid conference. So weird.
|Starting fresh. Hope it hatches something wonderful. It's time for wonderful in my life.|
I hope the beginning of autumn finds you all healthy and happy. I hope you're all finding most excellent books to read and enjoy. And I really hope you've all grabbed your copies of BABY & BUMP and APPLES & ORANGES for your Kindles. B&B will be available for your Nook at the end of September. As a Nook reader, I am super glad to finally get to share. Thank you for being so patient.
|Hooray for the season on pumpkin flavored everything!|